Health log

Date: 10/21/21.
Changes: None.
Struggles: Energy & irritability.

I don't get my new therapist until November, so things have been tough. I have been trying to channel my anxiety into things productively, but it's hard to when you don't have much energy to begin with. Chores and errands take any of my free energy. There was a period of time there where I was drinking everyday for a few weeks, and I stopped that to experience withdrawal symptoms the first two days off. I'm aiming to only drink twice a week now. It's difficult to not drink when I'm trying to keep sane all day, and my Ativan 1 mg and Hydroxyzine HCL 25 mg don't do much. In fact, I usually take both tablets I'm supposed to spread throughout the day at the same time. I'm back on my diet again, and am doing my daily self-care rituals (which is now yoga, meditation, walk, night yoga, preparing at least one meal a day, and keeping a mental health journal, as well as trying to creatively write or journal once in a while). I am on Quetiapine XR 200 mg again, and combined with the Mirtazapine 30mg, I am sleeping okay each night. I get at least eight hours, but it seems I can't sleep more once I wake up and I can no longer nap despite how tired I am throughout the day. Oh yeah, the hell of dealing with insurance again will be coming up in early December. I just try not to think about it.

Date: 10/05/21.
Changes: None, officially..
Struggles: Anxiety & irritability.

I am still waiting to hear from my new therapist; I sent an e-mail to my group therapist today to ask her about it since she works in the office where my new therapist will be. I have a few days of non-XR quetiapine 200mg left, and am still taking Mirtazapine, although we went back to the 30 mg. I didn't get any bad side effects from the increase again, so that's good. I also got prescribed Hydroxyzine HCL 50 mg, as my psychiatrist asked me if I had taken some brand name version of it, and unknowingly, I said no. Historically, Hydroxyzine HCL has done nothing for me, and when I tried it this time, it just seems to make me tired and want to sleep. It is good for when I can't calm down at all, but that's not the effect I'm looking for normally. It also sucks I had to pay for it. Otherwise, in my life, I have been watching a lot of TV and trying to keep myself busy, as usual. I've been online here and there to socialize with people to pass the time.

Date: 09/22/21.
Changes: None, officially..
Struggles: High anxiety, anxiety attacks, irritable, anhedonia, crying.

I'm finally back onto what I should be med-wise; I'm still on the Mirtazapine 15 mg & Quetapine 200 mg, at least until I run out and go back onto Seroquel 200 mg XR. I have some meds left so am using them up. as all of my medications and whatnot still cost through insurance. I'm also in between therapists right now, waiting to hear from ny new one at the beginning of October. (Still doing the weekly group therapy, of course.) For about a week, I've had such terrible anxiety that I can barely function or be around anyone. I started playing Ragnarok Online again, an older MMO that's known for being very slow. While playing it, I've been doing some tests with Adderall, generically known as amphetamine-dextroamphetamine. People have told me to try it before, but I've always been hesitant.

These combinations include lots of dabs, by the way. On the 20th, I had 2x 10 mg Adderall/2 mg Lorazepam/1 1/2 oz of vodka, eating about 1000 calories. On the 21st, I had 3x 10mg Adderall/2mg Lorazepam/1 1/2 oz of vodka along with 2x 1 1/2 oz of vodka throughout the day, with my 1300 cals. I know, I shouldn't be mixing drugs, but there's reasons I do things the way I do. I metabolize everything slowly, and would prefer to use small amounts of things mixed together rather than larger amounts of just one or two things. During the two days, I noticed I felt more in control and was able to do something with my thoughts. I was actually able to watch television again, and get a lot done on Ragnarok Online. Now, obviously, this isn't something I should be doing normally and would never do when depressed, but my anxiety is really bad right now. And this is preferable to random crying, hopelessness, existential dread, and panic attacks. Today, I plan on doing 3x 10mg Adderall/2mg Lorazepam/1 1/2 oz of tequila while fasting. After this, I'll take a break and go back to doing normal things.

Date: 09/03/21.
Changes: Mirtazapine, 30m g to 15 mg & Quetiapine 400 mg to 200 mg.
Struggles: High anxiety & OCPD, irritable, physically & mentally tired.

Several things to catch up on; I am a week and a half back into Lo Loestrin FE. Shortly before that, I made a decision to begin to halve my Quetiapine pills so I started taking 200 mg again. It seemed to help with my anxiety and heart-racing problems, although that all could have been birth control related. About three days ago, I began to split my Mirtazapine pills so I'm taking 15 mg again. I have less hypnic jerks before falling asleep and less general anxiety. My psychiatrist and his assistant fought for me, and I got my prescription for Quetiapine XR 200 mg, but I just received my refills not too long ago. I'm making so many changes that I am going to wait the 40 days of meds I have left out before switching back. I am excited, but I can wait. The Mirtazapine 15 mg & Quetapine 200 mg should act similarly to Quetiapine XR 200 mg (and that's why I was prescribed it). Well, I won some battles with medicare, but not the war. I believe I have to go through this process all over again for both in early December.

Now, my anxiety is still really bad. I have intense physical anxiety throughout the day, and things just trigger the shit out of my OCPD. I'm trying to deal with it, and unfortunately I drink more when anxious. I seem to sleep more, too, which makes sense as I am quite tired being on high gear all the time. Today, I'm trying to fast to reset my cravings and get the gunk out of my system. I have been doing my self-care regiment (Noom, morning yoga, meditation, night yoga) somewhat. I skip morning yoga sometimes, but then do the other things. Meditating and everything else is very difficult to focus on when I'm so anxious, so I don't get as much out of it. If anything, it can become frustrating. Just have to play it by ear and do what suits me at the current time.

Date: 08/19/21.
Changes: Tri-Sprintec to Lo Loestrin Fe, still.
Struggles: Anxiety, irritability, falling asleep, lack of sex drive.

I'm on my second day of my empties for Tri-Sprintec. I hope I never have to go through this again. Three days ago, I accidentally took two the same day (got the days mixed up), and I was completely out of it for the whole day. I don't even remember most of it. I updated my doctors about this happening, and also let them know to expect more paperwork coming soon before December so I can keep taking Lo Lo (or, Lo Loestrin FE.. it's part of their advertising ordeal). Really, I would like for my 'geta to get a vasectomy, but I'm giving him another year to get healthy and get his shit together. (I don't want a kid, and never have.) After I turn 34, it's getting too late. I do see my psychiatrist next week, but I also learned recently that I'm losing my therapist. He's moving back to Georgia, where he was from. It's just a real pain, because it takes time to get established with a therapist and we never really got to do anything major except catch up and do some basic background things. He really wants me doing my self-care regiment, so today I did start doing my yoga/meditate/diet again.

Date: 08/14/21.
Changes: Tri Sprintec to Lo Loestrin Fe
Struggles: Anxiety, insomnia, OCPD, irritability, low self-esteem.

I've been having a very rough time. I got a period, first real one I've had in ages, on my first week of the Tri-Sprintec. I also started having troubles sleeping, when I was falling asleep I'd jerk awake with my heart racing. My irritability and my anxiety has gone up; my doctor did warn me that the higher estrogen amount may raise blood pressure. Due to all of this, I am going back onto Lo Loestrin Fe after my pack is done; I have about two weeks. My insurance is only going to cover it until December, so in November I will have to start the process of fighting with them to make sure I don't have to go through this again. Unfotunately, although the insurance never made anything easy, it was actually my doctor's team that let things through the cracks. They just weren't expecting all the paperwork that they'd have to do, and I'll have to bother them to do it again.

I haven't been doing my Noom or Headspace meditating or morning/evening yoga. I've been also drinking more often. I'm just having such a hard time dealing with day to day that .. yeah. I also had some type of cold for a while, which is just ending now, so I've had a lot less energy than lately. Dispite all of this, I have been doing okay on my diet (eating mostly healthy, also not eating much at all.. no appetite with this much anxiety, really), and I have been going out, doing chores, and going swimming. I have a lot of appointments the next coming few weeks, most of them digital. My sleep apnea review is on this Monday. My fiancé is also between jobs. Even with one lined up, things are tight and stressful.. Money stress is a type of stress I'll never get used to. I've been fighting with food stamps, as well; apparently, with all the conversations I've had with them, they didn't have my disabiliy in the system so now I only receive $59 compared to the $275 I had. That was my food money! I'm appealing, but not sure what to do. I'll talk to my therapist about it.

This stuff all links to my health, and it sucks. Disability, doctoring, medications, therapy, insurance, fighting on the phone, being broke as fuck, not being able to get married because you'll lose more benefits.. yep.

Date: 07/28/21.
Changes: Lo Loestrin Fe to Tri-Sprintec.
Struggles: Anxiety, insomnia.

I have given up on Medicare, Part D, for my birth control. They want me to have taken ten other types before, so I just asked my doctor to give me a new prescription. Going on Tri-Sprintec means I go from 20 mcg of Estrogen to 35 mcg, but it seems to be the closest common and easy to get birth control for me right now. The Medicare team approved it immediately. I should specify that my Part D is being managed by United Healthcare, and so far, they've sucked and don't want to cover anything. Oh, well. I have read there is some pros for getting onto Tri-Sprintec, including acne and weight management. My period on the Lo Loestrin Fe was always only four days, but they have less inactive pills than more brands.. so it may be better for me long term, but I'll likely have a real period again. We shall see. Once I get the meds in a few days, we have the week where I'm not safe and then we'll see how my first period goes. I do plan on giving it at least two months before bitching to the doctors, but I do hope it just works okay for me as this seems to be the cheapest (4 bucks a month) and easiest for me to get.

Date: 07/23/21.
Changes: Mirtazapine doubled from 15mg to 30mg.
Struggles: Nightmares, lethargy, anhedonia.

I am still fighting with medicare over one thing; my fucking birth control. I hope the new package gets here soon, as falling off of them and getting back on sucks. I spoke to my psychiatrist again, and since the Mirtazapine wasn't doing anything, good or bad, we decided to double them. This is likely why I slept that night for my sleep study. I wrote about it, so feel free to take a peek if you're interested. Besides all of that, I just wish I didn't feel tired all of the time and when I was awake had any drive to do something. I'm on my period right now, so I'm sensitive emotionally and just physically weak, so that doesn't help. I've been writing often lately just to get the junk out of my head. I did just get 4 oz of four types of dabs in the mail, so that'll definitely help! Oh, and I'm down to 199 lbs., woo!

Date: 07/20/21.
Changes: N/A.
Struggles: Nightmares, sadness.

The move is done, I'm done fighting with the post office, medicaid, and medicare. Tomorrow I have a psychiatrist appointment (and I must ask him for contact information!) and also what to do about the fact I don't think this Mirtazapine is working like the Quetiapine ER. The extended release was the only thing that helped for my anxiety and depression throughout the day, and I don't want to be constantly on Lorazepam. After my appointment, I have a sleep study later that night; I do plan on updating here after all of this done, but I also want to write an article about the sleep study alone. We'll see how that goes.

Date: 06/20/21.
Changes: N/A.
Struggles: Tiredness, headaches.

The move really put a hold on things; I am just catching up on feeling like life is normal again. Lots of phone calls when I moved; updating addresses, disability, etc. And then I got onto Medicare, and had to get a new therapist and psychiatrist, as well as switch from Quetiapine ER 400 mg to Quetiapine 400 mg, which means the extended release and the daily depression assistance I had with the med is gone. To make up for it, my psychiatrist put me onto Mirtazapine 15 mg, which, so far, like all anti-depression/anti-anxiety meds, I am experiencing headaches and feeling sick at night a few hours before I take my medications.

I am also attending a weekly digital therapy group on Tuesday, meant for those with depression & anxiety, and receiving support. Besides the fact it's at 11am, I do enjoy it and am glad I joined. I haven't had my real first appointment with my therapist yet, and I'll be getting to know him again, so I've been kind of support-less during this time. Moving into a nicer neighborhood with my own room has helped, and Vegeta says my mood has improved immensely since we moved. Well, that's good. I try to be less miserable for him. I also have a sleep study coming up, and I was thinking about writing a page about that.